Tuesday. Tuesdays are typically a day of the week we don’t give a lot of weight to. It’s not the case of the Mondays, Humpday, Friday JR, or Friyay!

Tuesdays for me, however, are significant, and they are always painful.

Tuesday, is the day of the week, I was told Nicholas died.

Sunday night I had the most vivid dream I have ever had of my brother since he died. I don’t often remember much of my dreams, but there are pieces of this dream that have not faded.

In the dream, I was at my mom’s house. I never saw her, but I hear her voice. I’m asking her, “Where is Nick? I can’t find him.” In the dream I am calling him from my phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. I ask my mom to use her phone, again, straight to voicemail. Moments later, a healthy looking version of my uncle knocks on the door. He says he’s there to pick up Nick. We tell him, we can’t find him. He says, he had just spoken to him. I call Nick from my uncle’s phone. Nick answers. The next thing, Nick, is sitting in front of me. I ask him, why his phone doesn’t work for me and mom, he looks at me sadly. I know. I say to him ” Did you block me and mom’s numbers.” He shakes his head, yes. I ask him, is it because you are angry with us? He looks down, and shakes his head, “Yes.” I tell him, “I understand, and I am so sorry.” We embrace each other, and both fall into tears. I wake up. my first thought is, I’ve got to call Nick. Then I remember, what I always have to remember, each, and every morning. I can’t, because Nick is dead.

I’ve heard some people believe our loved ones in spirit visit us in dreams. This is my first dream of Nick. And I would say, in my heart, it did feel more than just a dream.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of Nick. Things have gotten “easier” in the sense that I do not completely come undone, every time I talk about him. Most the time.

The world moves forward, and most days, I am moving with it, but I have these fleeting moments where I suddenly feel “struck” by the heaviness, that Nick is dead. That he really is gone. That he took his own life. That no matter what happens, that truth can never be unwritten. These are the moments, where I feel so surreally existing. The moments when I so desperately long for a different reality. I wonder, what would life be like right now, if this wasn’t. I wish with every ounce of my being that this wasn’t my path, his path. I so desperately wish we could have another chance at life together.

How do you really survive this? How can this really be true? The truth is, I just so deeply don’t want it be.

I don’t want a food blog about “healing in the kitchen”. I don’t want to be creating a line of earrings in his memory. I don’t want to be “so strong” because I’m sharing my journey.

I want my brother back.

In French you don’t say ” I miss you.” You say, “Tu me manques.” Which translates to ” You are missing from me.”

You are missing from me, Nick. Now and always.